Nothing broken, nothing lacking: Happy late mothers day to you! Do you often think you could do better as a mom? And do you feel responsible if children go through hard times? Then you should read on.
Yesterday was the best mothers day in my entire life for sure. Until one year ago I was still questioning my parenting skills: Am I the best mother for my girls? Is our crazy life style damaging their souls? What if I miss out on crucial parenting knowledge? What if I make myself guilty for not having tried my best? Should I read this parenting book or take that workshop so they can turn into happy adults?
In short: I was innocently bouncing between ‘not doing enough’ and self-optimisation. How tiring and heavy! I realize now how hard it is when we hold ourselves accountable for the happiness and success of our kids… When we live in a world of ‘optimisation’, assuming that children can only be happy if we do XYZ.
Please don’t get me wrong: This is not an excuse for being a lousy parent. This is about understanding that in the core NO ONE is lacking anything. That every child has full potential to thrive and become who they are. Full stop. If we were NOT designed with innate mental and physical wellbeing, if we were separate from the limitless power of a universal life energy and a bigger intelligence, then the human race would not have survived longer than a few days.
How would it change your experience as a mom if you knew your child had access to 100% health and wellbeing? Try this metaphor: If you look at a choppy, stormy sea it looks ‘chaotic’ and ‘troubled’. As soon as you dive down you will discover calm and peace. Always. – “Nothing lacking. Never broken.” – To use the words of US psychiatrist Bill Pettit, who does ground breaking work in the area of mental health, by looking in the direction of our un-destroyable wellbeing.
Here is a personal story I would like to share: I experienced the darkest moments of motherhood last year. I was completely helpless watching my child using self harming behaviours. I was lost, full of fear, guilt and insecurity. Completely devastated and very, very tempted to listen to my worries and the analysis of health experts orbiting around us. It would have been easy to believe that ‘something is wrong with my child’. That something had to be fixed.
I decided NOT to listen to the dramatic scenarios in my head. I decided to wait for my desperate feelings to soften. To trust a bigger intelligence to arrive. At the same time I allowed my heart to break and fall apart, to cry and to be with everything that showed up. Knowing that everything would move through me and change. No resistance. So I waited for fresh, useful thoughts and ideas. I waited for around 12 days. And then finally my experience and our world started to change… the fog cleared up and I started to see ‘behind the scene’. I suddenly saw that nothing was wrong with my child. I sensed that I was not responsible my childs experience. I relaxed completely. Even though the circumstances had not changed. Things started to shift when I had this unshakable certainty that ‘nothing was broken’.
As a consequence ideas and new ways popped out of the nowhere. With the focus on a new path we were able to set up a homeschooling solution for our daughter (even before Corona started). May not sound special to you unless I will tell you that we live in a place where homeschooling is basically forbidden… An impossible scenario became possible. Healing started to happen, slowly but steady. I keep following the path of a bigger intelligence. I know that things come to me, if I don’t engage with the drama of my own thinking. Today, m child went back to her regular school for the first time. It could have gone a completely different direction. Wow!
It is helpful to understand the nature of our own experience: We constantly live in the feeling of our own personal, individual, random thinking. And this in a never ending creative process. The same way as we are exposed to changing weather every day. Nothing is permanent.
The concept of self-optimisation comes from our personal insecure thinking and insecurity. When we focus on it, if we make it our reality then we easily forget that there is a much bigger power to guide us. You may call it god, or universal intelligence or common sense. It doesn’t matter because we don’t need a concept for it. It’s a feeling, not a technique.
We have the choice which path we choose to walk on.
Relax mommy. It’s all ok. Happy mothers day!
(Calligraphy credits to wonderful Dr. Vilia Zeisig!)